What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
