Is it normal to miss your booty call?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
