Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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