enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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