Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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