He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
