At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize