I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I party with great urgency now.
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