I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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