Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
