Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
