Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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