My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
