I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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