i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
