3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
