Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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