So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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