I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
