Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
