you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
