Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
