I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
