you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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