Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
