I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
