his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
