I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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