I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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