Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They took my balls.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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