When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
