we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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