I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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