i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
