so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm like, not good at living.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
