hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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