Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
