Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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