So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
