Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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