Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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