Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize