They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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