We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
