Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
