Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
