I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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