just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
