I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Let's paint friendship bongs
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
