I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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