I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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