if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
