Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
