my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
